Constant Reminder
by BrilliantDarkness
Summary: A lonely man feels the warmth of the missed opportunities in his life. Just a little glimpse into a life.


Nowhere to be…that was the reality of his situation, his life. He was in no hurry because he had nowhere to be and no one waiting for him to get there. He couldn't think of a soul who would even take note of him unless they spied the guns he wore. Aside from them he was just a tired man on a palomino trying to pull his coat tighter to ward off the chill that crept into the wind as the sun inched lower in the sky.

It was because of them that he skirted every town he passed. His old knowledge of the land in these parts served him well as he knew every abandoned trapper's cabin and every cave and shelter for miles. It was lonely but then people weren't what they once were to him.

He tried not to think of what people had once meant to him. He tried to block away the memories of his family, of the love they had for him. He tried to forget how patient they had been with him and how little he deserved it. He tried but he rarely succeeded.

People were not family now. People were leeches. He wasn't worth anything but what someone could get for themselves. At best they wanted to use him for protection or because being close to him or claiming him as a friend meant never having to buy their own drinks. At worst, they sought him to build their reputations, to become king of the mountain by knocking him from his throne.

If he could have just handed the throne over, he would have. He heard something about that in countries where there were kings and queens. That a king or queen could decide they wanted to retire or that their kid would be the better leader and just give it up. But his throne had to be won and the only way off of the uncomfortable damned thing was to die and he wasn't quite ready for that yet. It was nearing though, he felt. The time would come when keeping his life just wouldn't be worth the hassles that came with it.

The town was close. He could see the lighted windows seeming to shimmer in the cold night air. He'd not venture into the town proper. He usually didn't even get this close to a town…or hadn't in some time but something was drawing him closer. One window at the edge of this town shone brighter than the others and beckoned him closer. He shouldn't be this close. It wasn't safe for him. More importantly, it wasn't safe for her. But he saw no one near and he couldn't stop himself from drawing ever closer to the beacon of light guiding him with a promise of something he was never really meant to possess—something he gave up before he knew it existed.

His breath hitched in his chest as the memories overtook him. They had met at a dance. She was blushing and shy as he approached her. He had tried to push his own lack of confidence aside and sound commanding as people expected him to. He might have done it too if not for the way her wide eyes raised to him. They begged him for something that her mouth would never have dared to utter. He managed an awkward and stuttering request for a dance.

He'd never really been a stranger to women and there were plenty of women who didn't want to be a stranger to him. But never had a woman felt so good in his arms. The song ended much too soon so he asked for another dance and they stayed in each other's arms until the band tired. Even then they could not bring themselves to part.

She was hope and love and light embodied and he thought he might have finally found the impetus to free himself of the burdens he carried that caused him to always feel on the run. He thought her arms were the harbor that would keep him safe. He thought many things as he tumbled headlong into love with her. He thought wrong.

If the danger had come to him, he might have been able to cope with it, to find a way to stay with her. But it did not come to him. It came to her. He tried to stay but looking at her he would always see the gun pressed to her head. He had to leave.

She cried and wailed and begged him to stay. His own heart tore to pieces at the thought of leaving behind her warmth and love for him but he hid that heart as he always did and walked away.

Now he sat astride Sundance and looked at the lighted windows of her small home. He had kept up with her life from a distance—usually a safer distance than where he now sat. She had married but was now widowed. She was alone. She was as alone as he was and he wanted so badly to climb out of the saddle and go to her door.

She would look surprised and maybe frightened for a moment and then the warm smile would spread across her face. She would tell him he looked a fright and insist he come in to warm himself by the hearth. There would be coffee and, unless his nose deceived him, freshly baked bread. She would rub his shoulders and hold his hand in her delicate ones.

There might be tears but they would be happy. She carried anger at him for going away and sadness that he left her alone but she wasn't the kind to hang on to dark thoughts or feelings if there were lighter ones to cling to instead. She would set to chastising him for not taking better care of himself and then would start making a list of chores he needed to do the next day.

Then she would pull him to her bed and they would reacquaint themselves with each other. He would fall asleep safe in her arms. Dark dreams and fears would be banished and he would be safe and she would feel safe and they would wake with the sun's first light to gaze on each other in wonder. It would feel so good.

If only feeling good could change the truths of his life. If only wanting to keep her safe could actually keep her safe. But he could not promise her anything but heartache and sorrow. It wasn't fair to either one of them.

He swallowed hard and blinked a few times before setting Sundance in motion once more. Somehow seeing the light of her home, her hearth, her heart…somehow that could keep him warm until he found shelter. Perhaps someday he'd be free to follow the light once more to her door and stop his wandering. Perhaps…it was a wistful thought.

As he ambled on through the snow just starting to flutter around him he knew that it would have to be enough to be reminded that she was there casting her light into the darkness for him. It would have to be and somehow it was.

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**So...You had to know there were more stories that would be inspired by Marcus and the boys. I've really been having a hard time getting words out so this felt good. Anyway, I had to make a sudden trip out of town and Marcus and the guys always travel with me so I had lots of time to really sink into their lyric. I think you'll fine the lyrics to this song quite lovely and I encourage as always for you to avail yourself of internet resources and give it a listen if you don't already own the CD.**

**And all hail the return of James Butler Sartre...my philosopher of the plains. I love when I can just let him ramble...he loves it too. So let me know if this was too your liking or not.-J**

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Reminder – Mumford and Sons (Dwane, Edward James Milton/Lovett, Benjamin Walter David/Marshall, Winston Aubrey Aladar/Mumford, Marcus Oliver Johnstone)

Don't let me darken your door  
It's not what I came here for  
No, it's not what I came here for

And I won't hear you cry when I'm gone  
I won't know if I'm doing you wrong  
I never know if I'm doing you wrong

A constant reminder of where I can find her  
A light that might give up the way  
Is all that I'm asking for without her I'm lost  
Oh my love, don't' fade away

So I watched the world tear us apart  
A stoic mind and bleeding heart  
You never see my bleeding heart

And your light's always shining on  
When I've been travelling oh so long  
I've been travelling oh so long

A constant reminder of where I can find her  
A light that might give up the way  
Is all that I'm asking for without her I'm lost  
Oh my love, don't' fade away  
Oh my love don't fade away


End file.
